TRANSPORTER 3

I imagine that driving must be a somewhat solitary profession on occasion. Well, if you just think about it for a moment or two, a driver would sit in his car all day long, and then travel from point ‘A’ to point ‘B’, housing a prospective cargo in toe. Right or wrong? Huh? What do mean ‘shut my face hole and just get on with telling this tale’? What? Do you mean the one Directed by Olivier Megaton; and Starring: Jason Statham, François Berléand, Robert Knepper, and Natalya Rudakova? OK then, I will, but I will have to tell you that it was made in 2008, and lasts for 104 minutes, first.


Transporter 3


THE STORY:
Now I am sorry to say that pug-nosed crook, called Johnson (Robert Knepper), is a very bad man with a lot of bad problems.

Well, he is in a coup with some shady governmental officials you see, who are in the process of blackmailing environmental minister, Leonid Vasilev (Jeroen Krabbe) to sign a document that will allow them to commit a nefarious shipping ploy.

Thankfully, though, Leonid won't allow these gits to tell him what to do just yet, and he manages to delays this procedure from happening for the next twenty four hours.

Great news, right? No - not for Johnson, and that is why he needs the services of the ever loving 'transporter', Frank Martin himself (Jason Statham), to help him transport a 'suitable package' to Bucharest, so that he can combat Leonid's delay.

Nevertheless, do you think that Frank wants to work for Johnston, huh? Nope - not at first. But eventually he is roped into Johnson’s scheme, when the person whom Frank suggested to take his place, God bless him, turns up dead within his apartment, forcing Frank to carry out Johnson’s wishes.

Please note, when I say 'forcing', what I mean by this is that Frank is subdued – implanted with a proximity explosive device that is attached to both his arm and his car – and then, at gun point, is ordered to drive the contents of his car, plus a Russian girl called Valentina (Natalya Rudakova), to the requested destination, Bucharest.

Poor-poor Frank, a good man who is forced to commit a bad man's wishes. Or does he? Errr: (1) On route to Bucharest, Frank tries to detach the explosive device from his arm, with little help from a mechanic friend of his. But alas, this detour does not work out too well for him I am afraid to say. (2) Once in Germany, Johnson suddenly decides to break his forced partnership with Frank. But alas, this does not work out for him either. And (3) Frank attempts to get some more information on Johnson by contacting his old police ally, Inspector Tarconi (Francois Berleand). But alas, once this information is given to him, it only prompts additional subversive elements to attack him and Valentina whilst at a service station.

Now, its at this point in Frank and Valentina's adventure together, Valentina opens herself up to Frank – in more ways’ than one – and tells him of her own origins, before explaining to him her connection to the governmental official, Leonid.

Still, that is most probably why what next transpires is a right moving affair for one and all. As swimming is hard - train-rides are barred - muscles are flexed - and fishing is very complex-ed.

THE REVIEW:
OK, so is 'Transporter 3' a good film or what? Well, I suppose that all depends on what your definition of ‘good’ is, huh? Now if you like your films to be a 104 minute car advert with fighting, gruff voices, a mixed plot, and a Russian goth damsel in distress, then fine – perfect – you would love this film. But if you like your films full of deep and meaningful melodrama, packed to the hilt with intrigue, suspense, and operatic themes of importance – oops – your sh*t out of luck.

Listen now, I am not saying that you cannot sit down and enjoy this film on a certain level, oh no. Instead, I am just saying that this is an ideal pop-corn movie, which will leave you feeling like you can drive fast, have sex with the beautiful people, and look rather fetching whilst doing all of this too.

Ouch! Did that sound a tad to harsh to you? Hmm? Yeah – I thought so as well! But hey! What can I say? I am not a big fan of this type of movie.

You see, what bothers me with a film like this one, is that the actors are great, the action scenes are polished, the stunt are dynamic, but the overall plot – for use of a better word – doesn't do f*ck all. It’s as though a sex-starved five year old child wrote this script! Well, come on, just look at it for a moment: (1) Bad man blackmails a governmental official about something to do with ships. (2) Then bad man gets good bad man to drive a car with pretty-pretty goth chick to somewhere that sounds European. (3) People fight – people drive – and shit happens. And (4) But at the end of the day, everything turns out for the best, Yippeee!

What a load of cr*p.

OK, so to juxtapose my jaded stance for a millisecond, there was a lot of nice little touches that made this film a bit better than some of the previous installments of this franchise – i.e. 'Transporter 2'. For example: (1) I liked the device that confined Jason’s character to his car, because it added a degree of suspense to the overall pretext. (2) I liked the bleak hooker type mentality of Natalyas character, because it gave her a fresh dynamic compared to your usual damsel in distress. (3) I liked some of the car stunts; especially the train related ones at the end, because the tone was much more cinematic and grounded in tone. And (4) I also liked the main villain of this piece, Robert’s character, even if his actions never made much sense throughout the course of the movie.

Oh! On a side note, I would have additionally liked to have seen more of François Berléand character in this flick too, Inspector Tarconi. Well, since the first film, he seems to have been relegated to telephone aide alone. Mores the pity.

Anyway, to paraphrase Forest Gump, ‘Transporter 3 is what Transporter 3 does’ – and that is to move fast, think slow, punch high, and aim low. But overall, deliver a polished pop-corn filmic fun fest for the masses – which it does.

So if you are a fan of the previous installments of this film franchise. Or alternatively, want to see something that could easily be remade into a car-advert – this is defiantly a film for you. Agreed, Jay?

Well f*ck off then.

THE RATING: C+