YOUR HIGHNESS

Monarchy was first created in the early sixth centaury, when some watery b*tch threw a bit of metal at some gits head and then said to him ‘Tag, you’re it’. Granted, the actual details of this story is much more in-depth than that, kind of like Director: David Gordon Green; and Actors: Danny McBride, James Franco and Natalie Portman – especially in 2011, and for 101 minutes.


Your Highness (Unrated)


THE STORY:
Once upon a time, within a medieval Castle, the dashing Prince Fabious (James Franco) is about to marry the virginal princess, Belladonna (Zooey Deschanel).

However, these proceedings are brashly interrupted by the evil mage, Leezar (Justin Theroux), whom subdues everyone in attendance before escaping with Belladonna in toe.

Fortunately, though, Fabious dick head of a brother, Thadeous (Danny McBride), is not present for this disastrous turn of events, and his father, King Tallious (Charles Dance), orders him to accompany his brother, Fabious, on a quest to retrieve Belladonna from Leezars clutches.

Reluctantly, Thadeous agrees, and takes with him his squire, Courtney (Rasmus Hardiker).

So how goes this quest? Is it a fatuitous one? Hmmm? Well – it does start off on whacky ground. Firstly, Fabious and Thadeous visit a Great Wise Wizard, whom informs them that to kill Lezzar, they have to obtain the unicorn sword from a distant cave – whist giving them a magical compass to find this weapon. Secondly, they quickly discover that the men whom are accompanying them on this quest, all work for the mangy mage, Lezzar – prompting Fabious, Thadeous and Courtney, to run in haste. And thirdly, these three men fall into a trap and are held prisoner by the nymph overload, Marteetee (John Fricker) – sh*t.

By chance, this trio is miraculously rescued from there predicament due to the actions of the intense and brooding warrior, named Isabel (Natalie Portman).

Now once Isabel is on the scene, things seem to change quite a lot for Fabious, Thadeous, and Courtney. For Fabious, he is pissed off because Thadeous has told Isabel about their quest. Worst still, is that she steals their magical compass to find the unicorn sword and then flees. For Courtney, he is troubled some time later when he and Thadeous confront Isabel and try to take this compass off of her, because she kicks their ass and then escapes again. And as for Thadeous, he is distraught to find out after his battle with Isabel, that Fabious has been taken by Lezzar’s men, and appropriately sh*ts himself.

Nevertheless, this sh*tting is all for naught, as Isabel decides to join Thadeous and Courtney because of similar leanings, and what next transpires is a very bold and flamboyant affair indeed. Minotaurs moan – swords tempt – bad men fall – virgins rise – witches burn – and love is found – with all of this resulting in a kiss on the mouth, a kiss on the cheek, and a promise of a quick shag in the near future.

Sequel? Maybe?

THE REVIEW:

All the way through ‘You Highness’, I thought to myself one thing, again and again and again. “Is this any good?” I pondered. “Does this film deserve the hype that I have seen on television, and am now seeing for the very first time in its entirety?”. Next, after that, my mind started to wonder for a bit, as I tried to compare it to other films of a similar ilk – most notably the Martin Lawrence comedy ‘Black Knight’. Moreover, there was also something on the same lines as this film from my days as a teenager watching the old goggle box too, called ‘Blackadder the First’. OK, so ‘Blackadder’ was an eighties British sit-com, with an all Brit cast, a satirical tone, and an earthy nature that this movie was nowhere near from matching. Still, the similarities are there due to one deciding factor – they were both a bit naff.

OK, so why were they both naff then, huh? Well, where ‘Blackadder the First’ is concerned (not to be lumbered in with the subsequent great Blackadder’s in the series), it wasn’t that highly developed as a sit-com goes – because some of the characters felt a bit flat, the writing was a bit hit or miss, and the overall body of work was very ‘for its time’.

However, where this film is concerned, it is a jumbled piece of good and bad, that does not really sit well within the confines of what it is trying to convey. For example: (1) In places, the dialogue is too blatant and jovial in nature – as a cock joke only goes so far were humor is concerned. (2) The characters are un-relatable, and all of them seem a little two-dimensional overall. (3) The story is a simple one, and it does not try to do anything new within this pretext – except show a lot of cleavage and swear a lot in a modern day vernacular. (4) The cast try to ‘put on’ a very unconvincing British accent – which does not work for me. And (5) Any character development shown within this film seems too fleeting in nature – and did not appear to have any form of incremental meaning.

Listen now, I do not want to sound like a ‘film snob’ or anything, as I understand that ‘Your Highness’ is a ‘Summer Hollywood film’ that is aimed at the kiddies market. And to be honest with you, that is why it also does have some redeeming features as well. (1) Natalie Portmans ass, tits, and presence are very nicely displayed on this film – she isn’t that believable – but it is still nice to watch – both of them. (2) James Franco on the other hand is convincing as the prince, as he has a charming way about him that is very drug addled and captivating at the same time. (3) For me, the stand out actor of the bunch was the impish, Rasmus Hardiker. This British television star seems very relatable on the screen, and in no way appears overtly ‘showy’. And (4) Danny McBride is being Danny McBride in this film (well he did write it), and sometimes this works, and sometimes this doesn't – but when he is good he is good.

Overall, ‘Your Highness’ is a somewhat bi-polar film, as in essence it is a medieval film with modern dialogue and a crude tone. Plus, in my opinion, it is a fairly OK-ish movie, with a very jumbled style and will only be known for one thing...

So-so comedy – with a couple of nice asses in it.

THE RATING: B-