During the first half of the 19th century the fabled London Bridge was sold to a couple of yanks for the price of a packet of pork scratchings. And then, many-many years later, you can see how this all turned out by watching the following 100-minute movie made in 1985. It was Directed by: E.W. Swackhamer; and Starred: David Hasselhoff, Adrienne Barbeau, with Stepfanie Kramer.
Terror at London Bridge
Terror at London Bridge
THE STORY:
Now I know I haven't known you for very long, Angie (Stepfanie
Kramer). Yet during the short amount of time we've spent together I've grown so comfortable being
around you, I feel that I can tell you anything. And in fact, I think I will. So
try this on for size, darling.
Well, as you know, quite recently I've been asked by my bosses
back at the precinct to investigate the strange death of a tourist, supposedly
committed by a transient passing through our Arizonian state.
But do you know what? I don't honestly think a transient was responsible
for this murder. And the reason why I say this is because our medical examiners
have stated that the culprit had a DNA data type that is over one hundred years
old.
Yeah. Straight up! That's almost as old as me. Or for that matter your foxy friend as well!
You know. What's-her-face! Lyn Chandler (Adrienne Barbeau). That lovely looking
lady with 'rape-me eyes' who has a hard-on for all of those English twats fawning
over our version of London Bridge .
Anyway, as I was saying, Angie, to cut a long story short I
believe our killer is none other than the noted Victorian murderer, Jack the Ripper
(Paul Rossilli). But don't worry though. With some help from my partner Joe
(Randolph Mantooth) I'm sure I'll be able to figure out what he's playing at. And
if not, hey, that's most probably why what next transpires all gets rather
retro when you say to me, 'Are you feeling OK, Don Gregory (David Hasselhoff)?
Or are you going mad?'. As an over permed cop cannot dance - a noted serial killer
plays an evil game of chance - an old stony bridge is a potential health care
provider - and at the end of the day, stand up everyone who wants to watch the
next episode of 'Knight Rider'!
THE REVIEW:
If I had to give 'Bridge Over Time' another title I'd have
to call it something like, 'The Hoff Verses Jack The Ripper'. And do you know
why I would want to call it such a thing? Simple
really. Because on the whole that is precisely what this film is all about.
You see, conceptually this eighties cop based drama tells
the tale of a detective who discovers that a seemingly conventional killer is
none other than Jack the Ripper himself. Admittedly, he doesn't figure out this
fact straight away. First he has to chat-up that very pretty lady played by Stepfanie
Kramer. And only then does he cotton on to this notion when a journalist
suddenly goes missing, and, blah-blah-blah!
Well, how can I put this, folks? As I said before this is a
very eighties styled movie! And as a very eighties styled movie you'll get to
see everything the eighties had on offer. For instance, you'll get to see the
Hoff showing off his hairy chest and playing macho-macho with the ladies. You'll
also get to see a story-line that keep's on darting back and forth between
sub-plot and main-narrative. And to add insult to injury, you'll be able to then
additionally enjoy the sight of tight perms, tighter jeans, dodgy dancing, plus
the usual tried and tested action-adventure formula we all watched back when Reagan
and Thatcher ruled the Western hemisphere.
Now please don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to imply that
this film was total pants. If anything on occasion it was the opposite of total
pants. It was... errr... hmmm... total bras. Bras, like the fairly uplifting
bras the voluptuous ladies wore. Uplifting in the same way people talked about
emotions and did stuff to help save the day.
Come on. I'm sure you know what I'm getting at! Even though
my analogies are starting to dry-up as quickly as the Arizona desert -- pun partly
intended -- I suppose what I'm trying to say is that this movie was one of
those good and bad movies. So if you're a lover of far fetched eighties cop
based dramas loosely connected to Victorian serial killers, I suspect you might
enjoy this film. Yet if you're looking for a slick and contemporary take on a
time-displaced murderer, ouch, better luck next time.
Also, I best mention how the writers of this piece tried to
incorporate some of the Jack
the Ripper lore into its narrative, despite it feeling a bit too wedged in
at times. Almost as if this was a way for the pretext to justify its loose
Ripper connection. What's more, I have to applaud The Hoff himself for putting
on one hell of a great show. From my point of view he was more of the main
attraction than Jack and the girls. Especially since his character was given
more screen time as well as a chance to explain who he was.
Anyway. I'm sure by now you've had enough of my
yammer-yammer-yammer. So what say we all now sit back and chillax to my ever
humble filmic-facts. Word! (1) The 'NBC' television network first broadcast
this production on the exact same day the largest swearing-in ceremony took
place in America .
It was on the 22nd of November, 1985 .
(2) Loosely translated, this project was entitled 'The City Cop' in West
Germany ; 'Massacre at London
Bridge ' in Poland ;
and 'The Return of Jack the Ripper' in Finland .
(3) The majority of this movie was shot on location within the American state
of Arizona , most notably in Lake
Havasu City , where the first London
Bridge was 'relocated'. (4) Throughout
his thirty-one year career E.W. Swackhamer directed this thriller as well as
other such movies and TV shows like 'Law and Order', 'Columbo', and 'Life Goes
On'. (5) Census, who wrote the musical score for this flick, composed two
pieces of music for it called 'Spy Vs Spy', and 'Modern Man'. (6) In a similar
vein to E.W. before him, the writer of this adventure, William F. Nolan, wrote
for such television shows as 'Logan 's
Run', 'Wanted: Dead or Alive', and 'Norman Corwin Presents'. (7) When this
flick was distributed to other English speaking countries -- between the years 1990
and 2013 -- for marketing reasons the powers that be decided to call it 'Arizona
Ripper', or 'Terror at London Bridge'. (8) After this movie caught a cold, Stepfanie
Kramer starred in the mini-series, 'Favourite Son'; Adrienne Barbeau starred in
the comedy, 'Back to School', and the Hoff starred in something called 'Knight
Rider'. (9) For any more Ripper related information please click on over to our pals at The Jack The Ripper Tour.
Overall I'd say 'Bridge Over Time' was a fairly fine film.
Like always the Hoff strutted his eighties stuff so much he became the main attraction.
Where as Jack and the girls ended up as another smudge on his over permed ego.
Nuff said.
THE RATING: B-
BRIDGE ACROSS TIME - TERROR AT LONDON BRIDGE
Reviewed by David Andrews
on
January 22, 2015
Rating: