HOLLAND MARSH AND HIS NICE GUYS APPROACH TO PARENTING

Who'd have 'em, eh? Kids, those tiny little people with demands greater than a menopausal Mariah Carey. Day in, day out, they'd wake up and ask for things like, food, water, or an X-Box, which inadvertently forces the likes of me, you, or whoever, to... well, do stuff for the little mites. But fear not, movie mates, because I've just watched a new film starring Ryan Gosling plus that bearded bloke from that gladiator flick, entitled, The Nice Guys, and through this, I've discovered a new way of looking after children.


The Nice Guys On Amazon


Warning: This spoof article may contain spoilers, nuts, and most probably a lackluster attempt at humor. Got that? Good. So here goes nothing. Or in this case, nothing disguised as something.

Travelling Etiquette

As most of us know, children should be strapped in safely to their car-seats at all times. Right? Wrong. According to Holland Marsh, as played by Ryan Gosling in The Nice Guys, the only way to travel is in the boot of his car, especially for Holly, his kid, played by Angourie Rice, who's told that she's not allowed to accompany her Dad on a top secret mission, only to hide herself away in his car boot, taking a bumpy ride into the LA hills horizontally. Well, it's only a matter of time before car manufacturers take note of this new way of transporting one's offspring.

Social Occasions

What better way to bond with your child than to bring them along to an adult party, complete with naked pool dwellers, porn TV rooms, and booze flowing faster than Taylor Swift's next boyfriend? Having snuck along, Holland decides that Holly is safer to stay with him at the party than on her own. That is, until he gets drunk... very, very drunk.

Grammar Lessons

I'm sure you will agree with me when I say that using the correct grammar is always important when it comes to parenting. Case in point, when Holly arrives at a, coff-coff, inappropriate party with her father, and blurts out, “Dad, there are whores here and stuff”, this is a phrase Holland quickly corrects by saying, “Sweetheart, how many times have I told you, don't say 'and stuff', just say 'there are whores here''. Top parenting. High Five.

Respect

Respect is a very important quality in most walks of life. But, prey tell, how many kids really do respect their parents, taking their every word as gospel? Now in the case of Holly, it's very clear that while she loves her Dad, she does think he's a bit of a… uhhh… tit. Commenting on his partnership with hard-man, Jackson Healy, as played by Russell Crowe, by saying, “You're the world's worst detectives”.

Role Models (Younger)

Following hot on the heels of 'respect' is the importance of having great role models in your kids' lives. Maybe someone who's closer to them in age, but still old enough to teach them the ways of the world? Maybe someone who's run away from home, instigating a man hunt to find her before she gets herself killed? Oh wait! Holly's role model in The Nice Guys is Amelia Kuttner, as played by Margaret Qualley, a whimsical wild child who cannot be caught by Holland and Jackson, despite their best efforts. However, Holly manages to track her down and sticks to her like glue. Sisters, doing it for themselves, and for numerous, complicated, ulterior motives.

Role Models (Older)

Another important factor is having older role models around who can guide your kids, such as an army of Godparents, Aunties, Uncles, and friends who can help share the burden of parenting. So enter Jackson, the world's most unlikely role model who, strangely enough, forms an instant bond with Holland's little kid, Holly. Jackson's no bullsh*t approach appeals to Holly's sassy nature and she loves that he doesn't treat her like a child. When finding out what Jackson does for a living she asks, “How much would you charge to beat up my friend Janet? She's super-annoying”, to which Jackson replies, “How much have you got?”. Ideal advice for young, impressionable teens the world over.

The Nice Guys is available on Blu-ray, DVD, and digital platforms from the 26th of September 2016