DATE NIGHT / DARK NIGHTS - YOU'VE GOT TO LOVE THAT METAL

Seven brand new members have recently signed up to lovedemon.com, the newly unleashed cybernetic gender-partnership exchange, and between you and me, these seven new members aren’t your everyday regular singleton looking for love. Now the main reason why I say this is because they’re each a different version of Batman - yes, that’s right, I said Batman - but none of them are the Batman we all know and love, but rather, they’re alternate versions of Batman from seven different parallel universes.


Dark Nights Metal On Amazon


Well, some time ago, Batman, real name: Bruce Wayne, died alongside the Joker while they were both having one of their numerous battles on the mean streets of Gotham City. Don’t worry, though, because they didn’t stay dead for very long, maybe a couple of months at best, and when they did eventually return, Bruce wanted to know what the hell brought them both back.

So what did he do? Yes. That’s correct. He put on his best detectives hat and began to investigate the circumstances surrounding their resurrection, only to then find out two very unusual facts. Firstly, that their joint rebirth was somehow connected to a rare metallic substance rarely found within the Earths core; and secondly, that this substance was associated with Barbatos, the Bat God, who abruptly awoke from his prolonged slumber in order to cause terror throughout the galaxy.

To aid him in his quest Barbatos recruited seven heroes from seven dark parallel universes. Heroes, I hasten to add, that were all different versions of Batman and now want to partner-up with someone cybernetically! So without any further ado, here, check out what they each put down on their online profile...

The Murder Machine.
Earth: -44.
Build: Like A Mustang.
Personality: Sterile.
Marital Status: Rebooting.
Distinguishable Features: Cybernetic Interface With Complementary Alfred AI.
Do You Drink Or Do Drugs? I Drink Oil And Petroleum.
What Are You Looking For In A Partner? A Compatible USB.

Favorite TV Show: The Gadget Show.
Favorite Song: ‘Believe’ By Cher.
Favorite Actor: William Shatner.
Favorite Film: Terminator.
Favorite Meal: What’s A Meal?

The Red Death.
Earth: -52.
Build: Like A Ninja.
Personality: Quick Witted.
Marital Status: Like A Ninja.
Distinguishable Features: Super-Speed.
Do You Drink Or Do Drugs? Yeah. Why not.
What Are You Looking For In A Partner? Feet.

Favorite TV Show: Top Gear.
Favorite Song: ‘Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Car’ By Billie Ocean.
Favorite Actor: Burt Reynolds.
Favorite Film: The Fast And The Furious.
Favorite Meal: Pot Noodle Or Anything You Can Warm Up In A Microwave Within Five Minutes.

The Dawnbreaker.
Earth: -32.
Build: Nice Ass.
Personality: Fairly Bright.
Marital Status: Open To Suggestions.
Distinguishable Features: Green Power Ring.
Do You Drink Or Do Drugs? Only At The Same Time.
What Are You Looking For In A Partner? Nice Ass.

Favorite TV Show: Star Trek.
Favorite Song: ‘Space Odyssey’ By David Bowie.
Favorite Actor: Mark Hamill (Otherwise Known As A Very Nice Ass).
Favorite Film: The Empire Strikes Back.
Favorite Meal: Canned Pork With A Side Order Of Venusian Dumplins.

The Drowned. 

Earth: -11.
Build: Very Feminine.
Personality: Soggy.
Marital Status: Widow.
Distinguishable Features: Pseudo-Atlantean.
Do You Drink Or Do Drugs? I Drink A Lot Of Water And The Only Time I Would Ever Do Drugs Is On A Tuesday Morning Between 8:30am and 8:32am. Preferably Drugs That Taste Of Veal.
What Are You Looking For In A Partner? Gills.

Favorite TV Show: The Blue Planet.
Favorite Song: ‘Cry Me A River’ By Justin Timberlake.
Favorite Actor: The Whale From ‘Free Willy’.
Favorite Film: Splash.
Favorite Meal: Fish & Chips & Mushy Peas.

The Merciless. 
Earth: -12.
Build: Godly.
Personality: Assh@le.
Marital Status: I F@ck Anything.
Distinguishable Features: Huge Helmet.
Do You Drink Or Do Drugs? No. But I Will Fight Them To The Death.
What Are You Looking For In A Partner? Wonder Woman.

Favorite TV Show: Desperate Housewives.
Favorite Song: ‘Like A Prayer’ By Madonna.
Favorite Actor: Charlton Heston.
Favorite Film: Jason And The Argonauts.
Favorite Meal: Manna From The Heavens, And If I Can't Get That, Canned Pork.

The Devastator.
Earth: -1.
Build: Like A Brick Sh#thouse.
Personality: Snoopy.
Marital Status: Happily Single.
Distinguishable Features: Think Doomsday But With More Spikes.
Do You Drink Or Do Drugs? Drugs Would Be Nice, But Not Kryptonian Drugs.
What Are You Looking For In A Partner? Their Guts.

Favorite TV Show: The End Of The F###ing World.
Favorite Song: ‘Boom, Boom, Shake The Room’ By Will Smith.
Favorite Actor: Shirley Temple.
Favorite Film: Rampage.
Favorite Meal: Anything Vegan.

The Batman Who Laughs.
Earth: -22.
Build: Skinny.
Personality: Jovial.
Marital Status: Dusty.
Distinguishable Features: A Nice Smile.
Do You Drink Or Do Drugs? Yes. Cocaine and Cognac.
What Are You Looking For In A Partner? A Pulse.

Favorite TV Show: RuPaul’s Drag Race.
Favorite Song: ‘Smile’ By Charlie Chaplin.
Favorite Actor: Heath Ledger.
Favorite Film: Batman & Robin.
Favorite Meal: Beans, Salad, Rice, Ham, Potatoes, Boiled Eggs, Cucumber, Ice, Radishes, Dead Monkeys, Live Monkeys, Anyone Who Was In The Band, The Monkees, Plus Canned Pork.  

So who do you think will be in with a good chance of getting a new partner? My best bet would be The Merciless because women generally like a bad-boy, closely followed by The Murder Machine because he owns his own car.  Now if you want to know any more about these Dark Knight Daters, then please pick up the following two books published by DC Comics. The first one is a 128-page hardback written by Scott Snyder and drawn by Greg Capullo, entitled 'Dark Nights Metal: Deluxe Edition', which trust me, is a really awsome read, whereas the second one is a 216-page anthology called 'Dark Nights: Metal: Dark Knights Rising', that comprises a collection of stories based around the origins of each version of Batman, written by Grant Morrison, Peter Tomasi, James Tynion IV, Dan Abnett, and Frank Tieri, with art provided by the likes of Carmine Di Giandomenico, Tony Daniel, Riccardo Federici, Francis Manapul, Philip Tan, Tyler Kirkham, Ethan Van Sciver, and Riley Rossmo. So go on, what are you waiting for? Pick up a copy today! Otherwise, the Batmen will each get a mate and the whole wide world will come to an end.  Amen.