JACK THE RIPPER TRIES ONLINE DATING

In the autumn of 1888, the serial killer known as Jack the Ripper murdered several women in and around the East End of London. But why? Why did he kill these women? Was it because he was stark raving mad? Or was it because he was on a mission shrouded in mystery and suspense? Well, whatever the case may be, the one thing we do know for certain is that he definitely disliked women. So much so, in fact, that I think it would be a jolly good idea to modernize Jack's point of view by setting him up with an online dating profile. Something like this 👇, perhaps?

Personal information:
Full name: Wouldn't you like to know? / Age: Old enough / Occupation: Serial killer / Location: Whitechapel / Relationship requirements: A pulse / Longest relationship: Five foot nine inches

Distinguishing features:
Height: Depends on your perspective / Weight: See my previous answer / Build: Ditto / Hair color: Either brown or black / Eye color: Same as my hair color

Other attributes:
Do you like animals? Does the Elephant Man count? / Do you drink? Yes, blood / Do you want children? Only when I'm hungry / Do you consume drugs? Allegedly / Do you drive a car? What's a car?

Favorite:
TV show: 'EastEnders' / Song: 'Killing Me Softly' by Roberta Flack / Actor: Alec Baldwin / Singer: Barbra Streisand / Comedian: God / Film: 'Mamma Mia!' / Color: Red / Meal: Steak and kidney pie / Quote: 'I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens' - Woody Allen

Hobbies:
Killing women. Running away. Writing on walls. Cleaning my knife. Lurking in the shadows. Ironing my cape. Backgammon. Sending letters to the Central News Agency. Collecting people's organs. Orienteering.

About me:
Hello. My name is Jack, but you can call me… Ahhhh! Well, either that or William, Montague, David, George, Joseph, Aaron, Charles, Francis, James, Karen, or a number of other names I can't be bothered to mention. In any event, I am who I am and that's all there is to it. Although, allegedly, it was once speculated that I'm a member of the British royal family. Or worst still, a doctor with a beard. Having said that, though, the one thing I can say for certain is that I'm very good with knives and hiding from the police.

First date:
Ideally, I would like to take my intended victim… uh… I mean, the nice lady who wishes to accompany me on a date, somewhere dark and secluded, like an alleyway, for instance, where I can feed her some grapes, talk to her in hushed, dulcet tones, and finally, show her my knife collection by sticking one of them in her. Then once I've done that, afterwards, I can carefully place some of her belongings near her dead body and run away. Hopefully, our date won't last too long, a few minutes at most, and with a little luck, we'll both get something out of it. She'll get a shallow grave and I'll get one of her organs.

To find out more about Jack the Ripper, you can either click here to check out my section devoted to this Victorian serial killer or here to visit the official website for the Jack the Ripper Tour.