FROSTY THE SNOWMAN TRIES ONLINE DATING

With Christmas fast approaching, I thought that it would be a jolly good idea to check out a character commonly associated with Christmas delving into the online dating scene. Namely, Frosty the Snowman, who by all accounts, has set up an online dating profile that's as pure as the driven snow (allegedly). Here 👇, have a look at this 👀.

Personal information:
Full name: Frosty / Age: F*ck knows / Occupation: Snowman / Location: Anywhere cold / Relationship requirements: I'd like someone with cold hands and a warm heart / Longest relationship: Winter

Distinguishing features:
Height: Depends on the weather / Weight: See my previous response / Build: Ditto / Hair color: Not applicable / Eye color: Charcoal

Other attributes:
Do you like animals? I don't like dogs, as they keep on pissing on me, and I don't like squirrels, as they keep on pinching my nuts. Apart from that, though, I suppose I like a few / Do you drink? How can I drink anything when I have a mouth made from frozen water? / Do you want children? No, as they initially build me up and then leave me to fade away / Do you consume drugs? See my answer about drinking and then slap yourself in the face / Do you drive a car? No, but I can occasionally float

Favorite:
TV show: 'Cold Case' / Song: 'Cold as Ice' by Foreigner / Actor: Ice-T / Singer: Coolio / Comedian: Bernie Winters / Film: 'Frozen' / Color: White / Meal: As I said previously, I can't drink so that means I can't f*cking eat either / Quote: 'Nothing burns like the cold' - George R. R. Martin

Hobbies:
Standing in the snow. Smoking a pipe. Meditating. Not being a drip. Tai chi. Thinking of new ways of doing nothing. Watching porn. Pretending to be a politician. Scaring kids when I melt. Directing a Marvel movie. Silently protesting against global warming.

About me:
I'm Frosty the Snowman, and some people say that I'm a jolly happy soul, with a corn cob pipe and a button nose, along with two eyes made from coal. But as far as I'm concerned, I'm just one pissed-off motherf*cker, as I have no job, no real way of supporting myself, and no d*ck between my legs. Well, except for when a kid decides to pull off my carrot nose and then stick it down there for a laugh. Oh, and while I'm on the topic of kids (😠), I best let you know that they enjoy hanging around me so much, that it's only a matter of time before I'm placed on some type of register. Anyway, all that aside, hello, pleased to meet you. Fancy a frozen finger?

First date:
Now, due to my obvious limitations, I'm afraid that our date has to be somewhere cold, close to where I live/stand, and not involve me eating or drinking anything as my mouth and body are purely cosmetic. So, as a suggestion, how about we romantically look into the sky for a few hours? Ideally, while standing on the driveway of someone's house. Or if you prefer, we could both protest against global warming by chilling in a fridge? (Or whatever the f*ck they call it nowadays!) Either way, I'm open to other suggestions if you have any. Preferably, suggestions that don't involve hot weather and moving around. Big hug.

To see more character-based dating profiles, please feel free to click here to check out our section dedicated to all things love.